The other night we had a good long talk. Mostly He talked and I cried. Day to day life has us going about 100 mph and working from rise to fall without any time to enjoy each other at all. Our routines are shot and our summer of privacy and free time is fading into a honeymoon style memory. It’s been eating at me so bad that last friday night I found myself in tears and begging for my Master to surface. And apparently it goes both ways because He hasn’t seen His Doux in me either. That’s what hurt when we talked. That’s what had me in tears. The lines between the functions I perform in daily life and the services I perform as Doux are so blurry they’re near invisible. I take EVERY request, suggestion and idea as if it is a command… sometimes to a fault. But when I treat orders for a glass of tea or a work task or a “make sure you grab X while you’re at the store” as seriously as orders to suck, fuck and crawl, does it dilute the value of each obedience?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that my life is now close to what I had envisioned so long ago. My servitude towards Him is so much a part of our daily lives that it is second nature and certainly not obvious. At the same time, sexual servitude is trickier. As a sub, I wait for His cues and commands. I also hold out as long as I can before asking for anything for fear of being out of place. I respect how hard He’s working to build and provide for us and I hate asking for more from Him so I’ve kept my mouth shut. It was both a relief and a heartbreak to find out that He was hurting for more as well.
So where do we go from here? Is it just the after-hours private time that needs a kick in the ass, or is it all throughout our chaotic routine? How do I show Him that Doux is, and has always been, right here waiting for His word?
