Is it jealousy? Insecurity? Or just plain silliness?

I always get a little leery and self-analytic whenever He has a date with a potential pet. You see, He doesn’t HAVE to be with me. He doesn’t HAVE to be raising my kids with me or running a house with me or taking me across country to build a home together next summer. He does these things because He chooses to. He wants to. Out of all the girls that have come in and out of His life He chose me. But when we’re looking at potential pets, more often then not they are younger, more in shape, (in my opinion) prettier, and usually kid-free and more carefree as well. It’s a list of qualities that help balance out our life at times. And at the same time it’s a list of qualities that make me very aware that I am not those things.

I guess what makes me linger on it is the fact that these girls can be seen as an escape from daily responsibility. A treat or a vacation or a way to distance ourselves from the day to day life that has us so wound up all the time. Except that day to day life does not take breaks and someone has to run it. And because I love Him and appreciate everything He does for me and our family, I believe He is entitled to those breaks more than myself. But at some point I still have a deep nagging fear that what starts as a “break” may someday turn into a permanent escape. That He will be tempted by the ease and convenience of either going back in the field or taking on a partner who is less maintenance.

I wonder, do “straight” couples have these same fears? Is there always that nagging sense of “this is too good to be true” lingering behind every good relationship? At heart I know that He loves me and is completely head over heels IN love with me, but past experience, both His and mine, still make me take every bit of bliss with a grain of salt and just be grateful everyday that I haven’t screwed it up yet.

The other night we had a good long talk. Mostly He talked and I cried. Day to day life has us going about 100 mph and working from rise to fall without any time to enjoy each other at all. Our routines are shot and our summer of privacy and free time is fading into a honeymoon style memory. It’s been eating at me so bad that last friday night I found myself in tears and begging for my Master to surface. And apparently it goes both ways because He hasn’t seen His Doux in me either. That’s what hurt when we talked. That’s what had me in tears. The lines between the functions I perform in daily life and the services I perform as Doux are so blurry they’re near invisible. I take EVERY request, suggestion and idea as if it is a command… sometimes to a fault. But when I treat orders for a glass of tea or a work task or a “make sure you grab X while you’re at the store” as seriously as orders to suck, fuck and crawl, does it dilute the value of each obedience?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that my life is now close to what I had envisioned so long ago. My servitude towards Him is so much a part of our daily lives that it is second nature and certainly not obvious. At the same time, sexual servitude is trickier. As a sub, I wait for His cues and commands. I also hold out as long as I can before asking for anything for fear of being out of place. I respect how hard He’s working to build and provide for us and I hate asking for more from Him so I’ve kept my mouth shut. It was both a relief and a heartbreak to find out that He was hurting for more as well.

So where do we go from here? Is it just the after-hours private time that needs a kick in the ass, or is it all throughout our chaotic routine? How do I show Him that Doux is, and has always been, right here waiting for His word?

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”
- Anais Nin

Stress. Chaos. Worry. Fear. When Master is already feeling the strain, I can’t seem to express mine to him. My job is to make his world easier, not add to his already long list of things to worry about and maintain. So in the last few weeks as I have become increasingly stressed and filled with fear about finances and the direction my business is taking and how we’re going to make things work, I’ve tried (very poorly) to hold it all in and handle it alone. Unfortunately, just like many things I have attempted recently, this failed miserably. The last few weeks have been the hardest downswing I’ve felt possibly in years, to the point that I flat out told him that I’m failing at everything I do inside the walls of our own home and needed a break.

So I got ahold of an old friend and spent a night out on the town. In the end it was the absolute best thing I could have done, because for the first time in weeks I was able to completely forget everything that was weighing me down and just be the person I am when we hang out. Able to laugh at the little details that make up our silly, hectic, servile lives. I felt less alone in my stress when the focus turned to how much they bust ass day in and day out. I was able to enjoy the fact that no matter how much time goes by or things move around us, when we hang out it’s like we haven’t missed a moment. Solid. Dependable. Home.

Now I feel reset and restored, and more like myself than I have in months.